There are 3 conversations happening within any conversation:
- The what happened conversation
- Who did what?
- Who is to blame?
- Who “should’ve known”
It seems that when my husband and I disagree or miscommunicate, we get stuck talking about all the meta parts of who said what when. It isn’t until we recognize that this type of conversation isn’t helpful that we can move to the next type of conversation.
- The feelings conversation
- What am I feeling?
- Should I reveal my feelings?
- Are they appropriate, or valid?
- What are they feeling?
- If I acknowledge them will that negate my feelings?
- If I acknowledge them will they think I agree with them?
If we are able to pinpoint what we are feeling, we are left wondering if we are safe to share that information. If that’s not enough to take on, we have just seconds to decide if our feelings are valid.
It takes a skilled person to not only do this for oneself, but also for others.
- The identity conversation
- Asking what does the conversation mean to me?
- Am I a good person or bad person?
- Does having this conversation show if i am competent or incompetent?
Each of these conversations are difficult already, but they get even more complicated when 2 or more people have opposite & opposing views within each of these conversations. To make sense of the types of conversations we have never underestimate the value of talking through all of our experiences & thoughts before or after engaging in difficult conversations.
What type of conversation do you tend to have most?